It's sad

It's sad to read some of those older posts. Less than 6 months ago life threw me into chaos. 

It's funny in a weird way though... It's shows how life can go from a comfortable place, to dark chaos and then come out the other side into a bright happy place. 

Appreciate

Sometimes I think that I should delete all those unhappy posts...
But then that would be like trying to deny that those feelings weren't real at the time.
I don't feel like that anymore. And that is a great feeling.
But I don't ever want to forget the way I was... So I can better appreciate the way I am now.

Live Love Laugh

Falling asleep
With love in your soul.
Wake up singing
A beautiful song.
A smile on your face
And laughter in your heart.
Life is good
when love is so effortless.

I'm ok... Yay!

It's funny how when you least expect something... Something you weren't even really aware you were looking for... Finds you and changes your whole life. ❤

Sigh.

This life is a complicated mess.
I still don't know what I'm doing
Or where I'm going.
How do I move on?
Where do I go from here?
When when when
Will this get better?
When will I feel better?
Why is this happening?
Why is he doing this to me?
FUCK!
This is me
Alone and lonely.

Blah

I still have this overwhelming grief
Inside my heart and soul
Probably going to lose my job soon too
I can't focus on anything but my pain
All my decisions are wrong
All of my choices are epic fails
I don't want to be here
Or anywhere
This life is not mine

Unloved and unwanted
I feel like I don't belong anywhere

I'm struggling today

Today has been a struggle for me.
The thought of losing my husband has been unbearable. The rejection and pain is enormous. I don't know how to move on when I don't want to move on. I just want him to love me like he promised. I keep praying for death to take me. I can't stand the pain. I just want it to all be over. But I can't do it on my own. So ill just sit here and drink these beers. Hide myself under this alcohol. Wait until I pass out. And hope I don't wake up.

Lonely

I'm so lonely.
I still cry everyday.
I pray every night that this is all just a dream.
I just want to be with you.
You seem to be moving on.
You seem to be doing ok.
But I'm not.
I'm definitely not.

Happy Valentines's Day

To me.
From me.
I've been rejected.
I have no one to love me.

Longing for my love

The best feeling in the world
Is being in your lover's arms
Safe and warm
Protected from the world
I miss that feeling
Every night and every day
That I'm not with you

Missing the love of my life...

The longer I'm away from you
The more I miss you
The sadder life becomes
I just want to be home with you
Safe in our bed
Curled up in your arms
Cuddling and cumfy
I love you so much

A new normal

The day starts
Go through the motions
Of being a human in life
Get drunk
Pass out
Somehow I get from one point
To another
Never really knowing
How I got there

So the numbness begins...

I feel empty.
Numb.
My only emotion is discontent.
It's no longer day by day
But hour by hour.
The day moves so slowly.

James David Bradley...

You are my world.
My everything.
I can't lose you. I don't want to lose you.
The thought of it is to unbearable.
Please don't give up on us.
I love you. I'm still IN love with you.
I'm forever yours. I belong to you...
Forever.

Derailed

I feel like my life is one giant train wreck.
Being played out in slow motion.
And I have no control over any of it.

Terrified

I'm terrified of a future without you.
The road ahead seems so empty.
I always dreamed we would grow old together.
That no matter what obstacles we faced, we would come out stronger each time.
That we would be that cute old couple, still so very much in love.
Walking hand and hand as we strolled around the world at Epcot.

Ever so elusive

Sleep. Why do you escape me?
I need your sweet slumber.

I guess

I guess I will just sit here... Drink and cry... until I fall asleep... Alone.

Silence

Silence
It hurts more than any lies
Or any truth

And then...

I don't even know what to say today.
I still love you. I always will.
I still want us to be together.
Even though you won't tell me that you love me anymore.
I still hope in my heart that you really don't want to do this.
That maybe you're being stubborn.
That you really love me and want to stay together forever.
But your pride is getting in the way.
I love you David Bradley.
I love you!

Drunk?!

80s bass + vodka + beer + moonshine= time travel via the fucking graviton!

My Path

Holding my head up.
Walking down that path.
I did what I did.
But I didn't do my best.
I could have done better.
I could have tried harder.
I could have started earlier.
And not waited so long.
I regret those things.
But I won't hold on to those regrets for long.
Although the distance ahead is foggy.
And I don't know where it leads.
I have to keep my head up high.
And keep walking down my path.

*sigh

This thing
We call life
It's pretty difficult
Trying to see the good
Triumph over the bad
Sometimes the waiting
Feels like infinity

Should I stay or should I go..

I wrote this three weeks ago... Just two days after my 13th wedding anniversary...


He says he will love me forever...
But he cant be with me forever.
He keeps saying that nobody has to leave.
But I don't see how I'm supposed to get through this if I stay.
It would be like dangling from a bungee cord
made of emotions
Tears and pain... Sorrow and grief.
Hope and love.
Dropping me through little pockets of sadness to the truth at the bottom.
Only then bouncing me right back up into the hope of love at the top.
A shimmer of light. Looking for his hand to pull me back up.
With each descent that light fades
Getting farther and farther away.
Never as close as the time before.
Until I ultimately am left dangling.
Dangling ever so slightly above the infinite bottom.
Waiting for something to pull me back up.
To save me from this nightmare.

Conflicted

It's still incomprehensible that this is actually happening. I really don't understand all of this. I'm confused. So confused. One moment you are done and the next moment you seem jealous. I wish everything was better. Not that I even know what that really means. Maybe for you to change your mind. For you to still love me. I used to have confidence that you and I would always be together. That you would always love me and want to be with me. But that confidence is gone. I don't know what to do. Heart and mind conflicted.

Checking in...

To beer thirty...

All alone...

I spend a lot of time alone.
Alone in my office at work.
Alone in my car.
Alone in my room at home.
Nobody to talk to.
Just me. Alone. By myself.

This sucks...

You say you love me
But I'm just not worth the effort any more.
You're done.
It's clear.
Thanks for breaking your promise.

I wish

I wish.
I wish you still loved me
The way I still love you.
I wish you still wanted me
The way I still want you.
I wish you still found me beautiful
The way you did when we first met.
I wish we could be together forever
The way we promised each other.
I wish.