So the numbness begins...

I feel empty.
Numb.
My only emotion is discontent.
It's no longer day by day
But hour by hour.
The day moves so slowly.

James David Bradley...

You are my world.
My everything.
I can't lose you. I don't want to lose you.
The thought of it is to unbearable.
Please don't give up on us.
I love you. I'm still IN love with you.
I'm forever yours. I belong to you...
Forever.

Derailed

I feel like my life is one giant train wreck.
Being played out in slow motion.
And I have no control over any of it.

Terrified

I'm terrified of a future without you.
The road ahead seems so empty.
I always dreamed we would grow old together.
That no matter what obstacles we faced, we would come out stronger each time.
That we would be that cute old couple, still so very much in love.
Walking hand and hand as we strolled around the world at Epcot.

Ever so elusive

Sleep. Why do you escape me?
I need your sweet slumber.

I guess

I guess I will just sit here... Drink and cry... until I fall asleep... Alone.

Silence

Silence
It hurts more than any lies
Or any truth

And then...

I don't even know what to say today.
I still love you. I always will.
I still want us to be together.
Even though you won't tell me that you love me anymore.
I still hope in my heart that you really don't want to do this.
That maybe you're being stubborn.
That you really love me and want to stay together forever.
But your pride is getting in the way.
I love you David Bradley.
I love you!

Drunk?!

80s bass + vodka + beer + moonshine= time travel via the fucking graviton!

My Path

Holding my head up.
Walking down that path.
I did what I did.
But I didn't do my best.
I could have done better.
I could have tried harder.
I could have started earlier.
And not waited so long.
I regret those things.
But I won't hold on to those regrets for long.
Although the distance ahead is foggy.
And I don't know where it leads.
I have to keep my head up high.
And keep walking down my path.

*sigh

This thing
We call life
It's pretty difficult
Trying to see the good
Triumph over the bad
Sometimes the waiting
Feels like infinity

Should I stay or should I go..

I wrote this three weeks ago... Just two days after my 13th wedding anniversary...


He says he will love me forever...
But he cant be with me forever.
He keeps saying that nobody has to leave.
But I don't see how I'm supposed to get through this if I stay.
It would be like dangling from a bungee cord
made of emotions
Tears and pain... Sorrow and grief.
Hope and love.
Dropping me through little pockets of sadness to the truth at the bottom.
Only then bouncing me right back up into the hope of love at the top.
A shimmer of light. Looking for his hand to pull me back up.
With each descent that light fades
Getting farther and farther away.
Never as close as the time before.
Until I ultimately am left dangling.
Dangling ever so slightly above the infinite bottom.
Waiting for something to pull me back up.
To save me from this nightmare.

Conflicted

It's still incomprehensible that this is actually happening. I really don't understand all of this. I'm confused. So confused. One moment you are done and the next moment you seem jealous. I wish everything was better. Not that I even know what that really means. Maybe for you to change your mind. For you to still love me. I used to have confidence that you and I would always be together. That you would always love me and want to be with me. But that confidence is gone. I don't know what to do. Heart and mind conflicted.

Checking in...

To beer thirty...

All alone...

I spend a lot of time alone.
Alone in my office at work.
Alone in my car.
Alone in my room at home.
Nobody to talk to.
Just me. Alone. By myself.

This sucks...

You say you love me
But I'm just not worth the effort any more.
You're done.
It's clear.
Thanks for breaking your promise.

I wish

I wish.
I wish you still loved me
The way I still love you.
I wish you still wanted me
The way I still want you.
I wish you still found me beautiful
The way you did when we first met.
I wish we could be together forever
The way we promised each other.
I wish.

Paula Deen riding things!

So I happened upon a website called Paula Deen Riding Things the other day.
Funny stuff. Sometimes I design products for her brand where I work. She loves butter ya'll.
So I had to give it a try. Here it is...
Paula Deen riding the Tardis.

This ride is as smooth as butter ya'll!

Another food dream...

So last night I had a dream that I was looking for a job. I went to the Subway that I used to work at in my old uniform. The layout of the place was different and there was a fish tank in the front window. My old boss Jody was there and a bunch of young girls hanging out. I guess they were recruits or something. They were behind the counter, but none of them were in uniform. I told Jody that I still had a job as an artist and I just needed some extra money, so I would work the night shift... no problem. I would just need to learn the new recipes and I would be good to go.

That's all I remember.

Delicious Dream

Yawn and Good Morning.
I'm freshly awake from a delicious food dream.
A bunch of people were all at this festival type event in a large field.
We we all sitting around large circular tables. There were four other people sitting at my table.
There were people bringing plates of food over and setting them up in the center of the table. Many of the dishes were rice based and Indian. There were many different spices, colors and smells all around. They all seemed to be super delicious with lots and lots of flavor. I put a large spoon of each dish on my plate and began to eat it up. I got up and began to walk around.
There were people everywhere sampling and eating food. There were vendors selling food and accessories. I saw one who was selling Chinese Tea sets, only they were miniature. I continued walking across the field and I came upon a booth. The booth was sort of like a old phone booth, only it was a round tube shaped with a door space cut out. The whole booth was made of thick clear acrylic. I went inside and and there were clear acrylic shelves lined with Grey Goose bottles. I sat down on a little acrylic seat and watched as clear tubes pumped some sort of pressurized air or liquid towards the bottoms of the bottles. As the carbonated substance reached the bottles they all began to erupt like Champagne. I sat inside the booth and laughed as the carbonated liquor rained down over me. I grabbed a glass and drank some of it.
I decided to walk back to my table and tell the people who were sitting with me. When I returned they were all done eating and the food was gone. But I had brought dessert. I put a fruit crisp of some sort out on the table and they began to dig in. I tried to tell everyone about the awesome and invigorating Vodka shower I had, but the weren't listening. The event was wrapping up and everyone was leaving. I walked back over to the Grey Goose acrylic booth and there was a man pouring out a bunch of liquor bottles into a black trash bag. I asked him why he was doing that and he said he couldn't take them back with him. So I asked if I could have one, and he told me he couldn't be paid for them. Then he just stared at me. So I offered him some money and he went back to pouring out the bottles.
I woke up.
The End.