Beer Diary,

Beer Diary,
Today I'm enjoying a lovely beer. Samuel Adams Cherry Wheat.

A nice light and crisply refreshing ale with a delicious hint of ripe cherries.
We bought the beer at the Total Wine store in Viera for a pretty reasonable price.

Beer Diary,

I've decided to keep a little beer diary here on my trusty little Google blog.

I love beer. In the last couple of years I have been drinking different kinds of beers testing and treating. Yum. Beer.
 
Anyway... today I am testing out a beer that I bought at ABC from their growler program. I like this idea... keg beer... on tap... in a 32 oz. Reusable bottle.
So.... today's beer is from Engine 15 called 15 Nut Sack imperial brown ale.
This beer is pretty good. Its a nice dark beer, not too hoppy. I'm not much of a fan of the sharpness of IPAs.

This beer is thick, smooth and dark... sort of like Neil Degrass Tyson being rolled around in my mouth.
Time for another glass...

College

So... I'm just sitting here in class waiting for it to start. This is the last week of regular classes. Finals are next week. After that school is over for me for awhile. I'll have my A.A. but there isn't really a place around here for me to continue with my education. I'm not interested being a nurse, a computer IT person or a business major. Can't move closer to a school that has what I want because of children. But it's ok. Anyway... time for class...

Two years can change your whole world

Well. Here I am. Still alive.
Two years ago, I was coming out of a 13 year marriage and embarking on a new life,a new relationship. 
Curtis and I are still together. Still extremely disgustingly happy. He's my other. If i was a man, that's probably who I would be.
I have two new grand children, Lily and Julius. Lily is suspicious of everything and Julius is the happiest little guy ever. 
I've returned to school to get my A.A.
I only had five classes to complete... I graduate in two or the weeks.  :)
Sierra is graduating high school too. She has grown so much. I'm super proud of her.  She has certainly become an amazing little lady.
So that is where I'm going start my newest attempt at blog life...

I have so many things to talk to myself about... life... getting older... weight and body image... being in love... being a mom... being a step mom... loving your best friend....

It's sad

It's sad to read some of those older posts. Less than 6 months ago life threw me into chaos. 

It's funny in a weird way though... It's shows how life can go from a comfortable place, to dark chaos and then come out the other side into a bright happy place. 

Appreciate

Sometimes I think that I should delete all those unhappy posts...
But then that would be like trying to deny that those feelings weren't real at the time.
I don't feel like that anymore. And that is a great feeling.
But I don't ever want to forget the way I was... So I can better appreciate the way I am now.

Live Love Laugh

Falling asleep
With love in your soul.
Wake up singing
A beautiful song.
A smile on your face
And laughter in your heart.
Life is good
when love is so effortless.

I'm ok... Yay!

It's funny how when you least expect something... Something you weren't even really aware you were looking for... Finds you and changes your whole life. ❤

Sigh.

This life is a complicated mess.
I still don't know what I'm doing
Or where I'm going.
How do I move on?
Where do I go from here?
When when when
Will this get better?
When will I feel better?
Why is this happening?
Why is he doing this to me?
FUCK!
This is me
Alone and lonely.

Blah

I still have this overwhelming grief
Inside my heart and soul
Probably going to lose my job soon too
I can't focus on anything but my pain
All my decisions are wrong
All of my choices are epic fails
I don't want to be here
Or anywhere
This life is not mine

Unloved and unwanted
I feel like I don't belong anywhere

I'm struggling today

Today has been a struggle for me.
The thought of losing my husband has been unbearable. The rejection and pain is enormous. I don't know how to move on when I don't want to move on. I just want him to love me like he promised. I keep praying for death to take me. I can't stand the pain. I just want it to all be over. But I can't do it on my own. So ill just sit here and drink these beers. Hide myself under this alcohol. Wait until I pass out. And hope I don't wake up.

Lonely

I'm so lonely.
I still cry everyday.
I pray every night that this is all just a dream.
I just want to be with you.
You seem to be moving on.
You seem to be doing ok.
But I'm not.
I'm definitely not.

Happy Valentines's Day

To me.
From me.
I've been rejected.
I have no one to love me.

Longing for my love

The best feeling in the world
Is being in your lover's arms
Safe and warm
Protected from the world
I miss that feeling
Every night and every day
That I'm not with you

Missing the love of my life...

The longer I'm away from you
The more I miss you
The sadder life becomes
I just want to be home with you
Safe in our bed
Curled up in your arms
Cuddling and cumfy
I love you so much

A new normal

The day starts
Go through the motions
Of being a human in life
Get drunk
Pass out
Somehow I get from one point
To another
Never really knowing
How I got there

So the numbness begins...

I feel empty.
Numb.
My only emotion is discontent.
It's no longer day by day
But hour by hour.
The day moves so slowly.

James David Bradley...

You are my world.
My everything.
I can't lose you. I don't want to lose you.
The thought of it is to unbearable.
Please don't give up on us.
I love you. I'm still IN love with you.
I'm forever yours. I belong to you...
Forever.

Derailed

I feel like my life is one giant train wreck.
Being played out in slow motion.
And I have no control over any of it.