Terrified

I'm terrified of a future without you.
The road ahead seems so empty.
I always dreamed we would grow old together.
That no matter what obstacles we faced, we would come out stronger each time.
That we would be that cute old couple, still so very much in love.
Walking hand and hand as we strolled around the world at Epcot.

Ever so elusive

Sleep. Why do you escape me?
I need your sweet slumber.

I guess

I guess I will just sit here... Drink and cry... until I fall asleep... Alone.

Silence

Silence
It hurts more than any lies
Or any truth

And then...

I don't even know what to say today.
I still love you. I always will.
I still want us to be together.
Even though you won't tell me that you love me anymore.
I still hope in my heart that you really don't want to do this.
That maybe you're being stubborn.
That you really love me and want to stay together forever.
But your pride is getting in the way.
I love you David Bradley.
I love you!

Drunk?!

80s bass + vodka + beer + moonshine= time travel via the fucking graviton!

My Path

Holding my head up.
Walking down that path.
I did what I did.
But I didn't do my best.
I could have done better.
I could have tried harder.
I could have started earlier.
And not waited so long.
I regret those things.
But I won't hold on to those regrets for long.
Although the distance ahead is foggy.
And I don't know where it leads.
I have to keep my head up high.
And keep walking down my path.

*sigh

This thing
We call life
It's pretty difficult
Trying to see the good
Triumph over the bad
Sometimes the waiting
Feels like infinity

Should I stay or should I go..

I wrote this three weeks ago... Just two days after my 13th wedding anniversary...


He says he will love me forever...
But he cant be with me forever.
He keeps saying that nobody has to leave.
But I don't see how I'm supposed to get through this if I stay.
It would be like dangling from a bungee cord
made of emotions
Tears and pain... Sorrow and grief.
Hope and love.
Dropping me through little pockets of sadness to the truth at the bottom.
Only then bouncing me right back up into the hope of love at the top.
A shimmer of light. Looking for his hand to pull me back up.
With each descent that light fades
Getting farther and farther away.
Never as close as the time before.
Until I ultimately am left dangling.
Dangling ever so slightly above the infinite bottom.
Waiting for something to pull me back up.
To save me from this nightmare.

Conflicted

It's still incomprehensible that this is actually happening. I really don't understand all of this. I'm confused. So confused. One moment you are done and the next moment you seem jealous. I wish everything was better. Not that I even know what that really means. Maybe for you to change your mind. For you to still love me. I used to have confidence that you and I would always be together. That you would always love me and want to be with me. But that confidence is gone. I don't know what to do. Heart and mind conflicted.

Checking in...

To beer thirty...

All alone...

I spend a lot of time alone.
Alone in my office at work.
Alone in my car.
Alone in my room at home.
Nobody to talk to.
Just me. Alone. By myself.

This sucks...

You say you love me
But I'm just not worth the effort any more.
You're done.
It's clear.
Thanks for breaking your promise.

I wish

I wish.
I wish you still loved me
The way I still love you.
I wish you still wanted me
The way I still want you.
I wish you still found me beautiful
The way you did when we first met.
I wish we could be together forever
The way we promised each other.
I wish.